Growing financial independence has helped create emotional independence amongst many young Indians who are now moving out of familiar and sometimes oppressive family structures to live alone.

We have not been raised to live alone. Interdependency is the spine of our family structures. According to an India Today survey in 2007, 74% of Indians prefer to stay in joint families. Being in a shared space with shared resources, building and sustaining loyalty amongst family members, assuming roles within the family that support and depend on each other, is how we have come to live life. Moving out is not a logical next step of adulting. Globalisation and privatisation have only made it more convenient to access and experience opportunities locally. For urban India, government data shows that between 2001 and 2011, joint families grew by 29% .

But a small revolution is springing up. The idea of independence and the want for solitude have taken roots within young urban Indians. Even (or rather especially) in a cramped city like Mumbai, there are people creating a space of their own, where they can be themselves, at ease with their thoughts and expressions, outside of typical family structures. Financial independence has helped imagine mental and emotional independence. The move that goes against the grain, invites concern and questions from society. For women, it’s tougher. Everything from finding a house to feeling safe and secure on a daily basis can be rife with judgement, challenges, and pressure to conform.

To understand this journey of moving out and living independently in the very same city that their families live in, we spoke to a few people who’ve taken this bold step. We learnt how the idea of home is evolving to be one where the want for the company and the need for solitude both achieve a fine balance. And that, for some, staying in is more difficult than moving out.

Johann Arora, 35, Hair Stylist and Yoga Instructor

“Moving out was a leap of faith”

For Johann moving out was instantly met with concern. Most people assumed that his sexual orientation had led to differences, or in more dramatic versions, he was kicked out. But for him this decision signified looking inward, changing gears to focus on personal growth and wanting to be a better person.

“It was not about my sexuality. ‘Eventually, this is what happens when you’re gay in India’ – that’s not what I want people to think or believe.” Johann was more concerned about the future, his future. “I had to settle with a guy eventually and I wanted to take care of my own food and shelter. In our society, for heterosexual couples, it is expected that the wife will take care of the household and the husband only has to work and make money. But the kind of relationship I was looking forward to was where both partners share all responsibilities. I wanted to learn to be entirely independent”

Knowing that a sudden decision to move would not go down well with his parents, he waited until his brother decided to get married and space constraints emerged. And thus began Johann’s new phase in life (in an apartment 5 minutes away from home). He now spends his time doing yoga, meditating, nurturing plants, and hosting people. Proximity to home means dinners are always together. It took time, he admits, but his idea of independence is no longer affected by the food his mother likes to send back with him. He knows that both can co-exist.

Charu Gaur, 37, Founder/Editor Runway Square

“When I’m with my family, I pretend that I’m this fierce, independent woman. But when I’m on my own, I've realized that I’m such a sucker for company”

Charu Gaur is a city girl. Bombay traffic below her window and the expansive Foodhall store across, are a few signs. Charu moves swiftly between rearranging the pillows for the best shot and whole-heartedly answering my questions, and I realize that shoots are second nature to her.

Another sign that Charu loves cities is that when she first moved out in 2007, it was to Dubai. Three years later, she came back and got married. It was her divorce that prompted her to move back with her mother. “It didn’t make sense to live apart since my brother and my father were both in different cities and my mom was living alone. When they came back, I moved out to live in Versova because I wanted my time and was thinking of starting my own company. And then my niece was born”

For Charu, her niece is a big reason she kept moving back to her family home in Thane. A break of 6 months at their place turned into 2 years because time spent with her was magical. “It was the hardest thing to do. Moving to Dubai, or even separation wasn’t as bad as moving away from Inaaya. But I had to take that step for work and financial independence” Charu tells me that in this entire business of moving in and out, her family has been the most supportive.

However, the third time she moved out, while she was keen on being independent she was open to the idea of company but measured. “My flatmate is a great person and I love to hang out with her when she’s here. Her recurring absence has made me realize that I prefer relationships this way. I like to be alone, but I want to have the option of not being alone.”

Ritisha Roy, 24, Digital Marketing Professional

“Living alone with such financial constrictions taught me about the things that are necessary and those that are not.”

While moving out could be a choice for some, for others it is the only way to exercise choice. Ritisha moved out from her family home in Dadar when she was 21 and six months into her first job. More than half of her salary was going out in the rent and expenses that came with the move. “There were fundamental differences between me and my parents. They wanted me to be more feminine and docile. On the other hand I was very boisterous, tomboyish, and bold. They didn’t like that side of me and would call me ‘manly’. The environment got so toxic that it was affecting my mental and emotional health. I had to move out to protect myself”

More than being a single woman, the fact that Ritisha was from the city and still looking for a house created concern amongst her PG owners. To get away, she lied to them that her parents were moving to Calcutta.

While moving to shared apartments was a result of financial constraints, having roommates that she developed deep bonds with, with whom she could speak her mind and be herself, helped her in coping and achieving some sense of normalcy. Mornings in this house were spent fighting for bathroom time amongst three roommates. Breakfast would be fruits or cornflakes. She would cook a meal that could last both lunch and dinner. Festivals would be spent setting up the house and cooking special meals from all their diverse backgrounds.

To be able to sustain herself, Ritisha worked really hard doing more than her role demanded, working towards a promotion to leadership roles. She was promoted. But there came a point where she was fed up with the hectic pace of her life. She eventually quit her job and moved further away from Mumbai to start afresh.

Devashree Shivadekar, 33, Screenwriter

“It (moving out) changed me tremendously changed me as a writer, mainly because it changed me as a person. I started writing about characters who were like me, more relatable. That’s how authenticity started coming into the conversation.”

Devashree comes from a fairly conservative background and locality. While moving to the US for studies was still agreeable, moving five minutes from home to live alone did raise many eyebrows amongst her family and friends. Devashree spent a huge part of her 20s in the US. She returned as someone different, someone evolved. But at home, literally nothing had changed and it made sense to move out. “At the same time, being very close to my parents, I didn’t want to move very far. I’d also been away from them for 8 years, had missed festivals, occasions, and even deaths. I wasn’t there for many important markers and I didn’t want to move away from there again. Fortunately, I found a place close to home.”

A home of your own means your own rules. Growing up in a joint family, Devashree never got to host friends. Now, she loves calling people over. Given her freelance projects and working with people from different time zones, working long nights is no longer a cause for worry or conflict to anyone.

The walls of the house are lined with posters of her favourite shows and films. Devashree is currently writing her own series which will soon air on Netflix.“As a writer, it really helped to have my own space. The freedom of doing whatever I wanted to do without considering what other people wanted or felt. My writing changed a lot once I started living alone and financially stable.”

Urmin Vijayakar, 32, Radio Jockey, Improviser

“The first few months were terrible. Like there was a hole in my heart, I felt people have left me alone and I’m all by myself.”

Urmin claims she loves having people around so much that she can be a Sooraj Barjatiya film by herself. We’re eased into her home with her humour and her love for Bollywood that abounds in her decor.

Moving out was peculiar for Urmin. One day, her father told her she was doing quite well for herself, and it would be great if she lived by herself and became independent. When she shares more about her upbringing, it all makes sense. Urmin and her sister were encouraged to fix every problem themselves. When she expressed her apprehension about moving out, her parents explained calmly, “Isn’t it better for you to struggle, experiment, and experience life by yourself while we’re in the same city? We’re there to support you and have your back”

Living alone taught Urmin many things. From the small nuances of budgeting, knowing the cost of ‘aalu and kanda’ as she puts it, to how to navigate relationships with your help, your neighbours, and most of all, how to spend time alone.

“The day I shifted to Chunabatti – I still remember, I was home in 15 minutes. When I reached, I was staring at the walls and wondering what am I supposed to do now? There was a lot more time at hand. So the last two years, I signed up for gym, went back to learning kathak, learning classical music, and improv comedy - things I’ve been wanting to do for a long time.”

Having lived alone for two years now, Urmin has found it easier to move on from her childhood home, through the home she grew up into, into one where she will live when she gets married in a few months.

Kartik Gala, 34, Architect

“When cooking was done, and food was eaten – then what would I do? What would I do between not doing anything - was something I wouldn't have discovered living with my family. Somebody else would have always filled that gap and that space.”

For Kartik, family has not always understood his life choices until he has taken his own decisions and proven himself. The friction did not allow him the peace of mind to pursue the work he wanted and navigate relationships in the way he needed to. This desire to express himself led him out one day, but he preferred the comfort of a family home that was previously unused. The privilege of having this rent-free space in the middle of the city is something he acknowledges and so, he often shares his home with friends whenever they’re in need of a space. Despite it being his parents’ home however, their visits are infrequent.

Three years into the move, Kartik decided to turn the living room into a studio. Here, he could work, take workshops, turn it into an office with interns and other colleagues he would hire for projects, or simply play with his 3D printer.

Compared to his studies in Barcelona, Kartik shares how education and learning is not exploratory here and how it reflects our mentality even about life. Instead of options, we are given directions. Him moving out, was taking the time to explore and understand life himself. “Independence is really in the mind,” he says, “one should have the time and space to process anything. A space like this allows that time.”

Amrietaa Arun, 25, Artist and Graphic Designer

“So, growing up, I’ve always thought about how I wanted to live. The will to be and explore was always strong. You’ve got just one life and you must know yourself better than anyone else.”

Amrietaa’s fridge is covered with notes. Actually, her entire home. Each wall or corner responds to her experience of being there. “The idea that I will live in the same city and have a space of my own sprouted in me when I was 14. Since then it’s been a long journey of mentally preparing myself, building a vision around this goal, explaining this concept to my mother and being financially ready to take that step.” When you look around the house and watch Amrieta speak so calmly in that space, you know she has not only meticulously created the space around her as her own reflection, but this is also a reassurance for her that she was built for it.

“My parents have ensured that I stay an individual first. I made all the big decisions in my life.”

But convincing her mother was a long and arduous process that resulted in more conflicts between them. “She’s a single lady, living and working alone. She often feels lonely. She has only one child to talk to. That way it’s tough on her. The reason I chose Goregaon is because she also lives in Goregaon. So in case there’s an emergency I can always rush back to her.”

The house is white and calm and filled with morning sunlight. Amrietaa, with her rested movement and measured words, blends into this energy and the house feels larger than it is. When we leave, I’m met with a note by the door that says, “Everyone leaves if they get a chance”

Written by Ankita Shah and photographed by Shoeb Mashadi

On my own- stories of moving out