So what happens to love?
How is love likely to fare in this time of enforced distancing? To find out, Pritika Rao delves into the varied equations of cooped up couples, separated lovers, suspended weddings, recurring exes and tentative romances blossoming under the blue light of video chats.
Illustration by Radhika Kedia
Disclaimer: Certain names have been changed to protect the privacy of couples.
All the windows are lit up - for some, these are make-shift candle light dinners, for others, dates in the dull blue glow of their digital screens. A Mangalorean husband stirs a pot of boiling rasam for his Tamilian wife as she shouts instructions to him over the clatter of pans she is arranging in the pantry. An exasperated couple is arguing with travel service providers to reschedule tickets for their impending honeymoon. A pair of star-crossed lovers bicker over missing items upon their return from a grocery run. How are couples navigating this time of social distancing? There are those who are distressed at the thought of being cooped up together for days on end. There are others who are similarly unnerved at the thought of being unable to see each other for the foreseeable future.
Let’s begin with Sayantani and Akash, who have been hiding their blossoming romance from their coworkers for months. The night before the lockdown, they were casually hanging out, and unbeknownst to them, they would be living together for the next 21 days. "I've had to cut his hair, forcing him to try a style he would not have been willing to, otherwise. Right now, I'm his only option, his only critic and I love it." she says.
"We've been sort of forced to live together at the moment," adds Akash, with a tilt of the head and a slight smile, "making us jump several steps ahead in our new relationship. We've also been having to take calls from different rooms to avoid the suspicion of family members and colleagues - so it's a lot of work but has been real fun."
For some who are dating online, love is not cancelled. In fact, it has kicked into high gear. Couples have gone straight from messages to video calls on the first date. Conversations and dates assume a greater sense of intimacy since you’re virtually in each other’s homes right from the start. Without the distractions of typical first dates - the shuffling to find your seats in a theatre, scanning a restaurant menu or walking down the road for ice cream - you are fully present and can get straight down to real talk. The challenging part is having to wait before taking things to the next level. ‘No-strings-attached’ Eduardo has been religiously checking in on Tinder and Bumble for frequent doses of healthy flirting. “If anything, my romantic and sexual desires have increased during this time,” he says, “It's weird since I wouldn't feel like this normally - but flirting in the face of all these restrictions makes everything so much more intriguing - I’ve even toyed with the idea of meeting up in the supermarket just to chat or see each other but a lot of them live really far away, some have even left for their home countries.” But that hasn’t crushed his hope of meeting them one day, so he continues to keep in touch (virtually, of course).
Great romances are birthed in conflict, such as this. In the discovering, the rekindling, and the resuscitating, breakthroughs and unexpected milestones can emerge. When lockdowns began, across the world, bedrooms transformed into little restaurants with candles on the table, music in the air and homemade delicacies on relocated study tables. Living rooms became movie theatres with dim lights, bowls full of popcorn and glasses of Coca Cola and coffee. Apartment balconies that were previously a repository of dirty laundry, cigarette ash and sunshine-thirsty houseplants are now instapretty lounge decks for a cozy coffee date or an evening of stargazing. Still, a very interesting and unlikely spot where romance is cooking has been the kitchen. Daisy says of newfound routines, “Cooking together helps us bond. Eating meals together, watching our favourite TV shows and movies, and enjoying the sunset have been so precious - something we really could have done before, but we’re only seeing the value of now. Of course, It has been tough to work from home while he is around. Because there is no clear demarcation of space or work timings. We’ve had to adjust to one another’s schedules and work styles.”
Tara who lives on her own in Delhi, made sure she had enough essentials for India’s 21 day lockdown but on day 7, ran out of cooking gas. Without any mode of transportation, nobody else to rely on and in a fit of habit, she called her ex-boyfriend, who immediately came to her rescue. Even an old love can regain a little vigour in a crisis such as this.
This combination of tenderness and sadness seems to have heightened romance, much like it did in war times, when the world was fraught with unknowns. The isolation is countered by a sense of strengthened solidarity - a feeling like it’s the two of you against the world. Romance is seemingly taking on simpler forms - in the deconstruction of grand gestures and the appreciation for everyday moments that were previously considered mundane.
Of course, switching gears can also cause friction for couples who are overwhelmed at being thrust together in close quarters with mounting housework, increased childcare responsibilities and generally strained emotional bandwidth. Numerous media outlets have reported a rising rate of uncouplings across China in the aftermath of the outbreak of the virus. We’ve become so good at co-existing, neatly stacking schedules, social appointments and travel alongside each other. But we rarely take these neatly stacked boxes off the shelves and sit together, rummaging through them and telling stories. The things we have overlooked, whether good or bad, in the blinding business of everyday life, we will have to confront in the dark.
Spanish language teacher Julia has been dating Kevin, a much younger man from Bangalore, for a few months. Their relationship is evolving from one that was previously primarily physical to one that has opened up a dialogue about their differences in culture and priorities. “For instance, where I come from, we are so independent that I am finding his heavy reliance on his family really tough to understand - particularly when it involves all kinds of personal choices that should be ours to make. We had a pretty bad argument during the start of the lockdown and that gave me a lot to think about. He also wanted the time to cool off. I’ve been speaking to a few of my Indian friends, trying to understand his perspective, even taking notes. It’s hard because I want to have a face-to-face conversation with him before we make a final decision and I know he does too. And now we don’t know how long we will have to wait.” her voice is heavy with both disappointment and hope that fluctuate in their density.
Sathish, too, has been going through a particularly rough patch - he made the difficult decision to separate from his wife of two years shortly before the virus began to spread. “I wish I had the companionship sometimes, the loneliness is overwhelming and in addition to my struggle with anxiety, I’m not really equipped to handle household chores as well as I should,” he laughs, nervously. “But even in the face of such massive uncertainty, I have a sense of clarity about this decision.”
“We’ve had to push our wedding out a few months,” Indu tells me with a delicate shrug, “but that works just fine because it was all too fast for me anyway. I want to marry him, but it was all too fast for me, to be honest. I’m secretly relieved, really” she confessed, of her six-month engagement period to her fiancé, a match she made on a matrimonial site.
Other couples with solid clarity did the opposite. Despite the grim circumstances and the lack of typical pomp and splendour, many have chosen love in the most traditional, yet unconventional way: get married on a video chatting app such as Zoom or in person with only a handful of attendees. Or to recalibrate and simplify. Having dated for seven years, Meena and Kathir didn’t want to wait any longer to be married. When their wedding day arrived, they swapped the grand festivities for a beautiful intimate ceremony and replaced elaborate decor for handmade flower garlands that adorned the four walls within which she was raised.
For some, the disruption has been nothing short of chaotic. “We’ve been on the phone incessantly negotiating refunds for wedding halls and honeymoon tickets. Many tears have been shed, but through it all, we’ve managed to work well together so that in itself, is a victory,” says Aarti. Others have been cleaning out closets, preparing worksheets to keep their children occupied, rationing groceries and scheduling tedious housework with industrial efficiency, working brilliantly together as a team, in some situations, for the very first time.
Love certainly isn’t a one-size-fits-all emotion, but no matter where we were before this crisis unfolded, it doesn’t seem like we can return to the way we loved before. Despite a fairly standard external environment, the implications of this unintended experiment reveal contradictory effects on companionship. Where some band together, others drift further apart. The pursuit of love, like a stream in the desert sand, takes its own path. But one thing is evident- in this dramatic and unexpected turn of events, love, with all its subtleties and theatrics, must go on.
Pritika Rao is an economics researcher and freelance writer. She enjoys freshly poured filter coffee, pots of spicy biryani and the underrated delightfulness of train journeys.